Belonging to Myself

I feel like it looks like I just jumped in on the scene and have always been this way. That cannot be further from the truth. I know it took a lot for me to get here.

Here are a few examples of the “old me”:

I used to identify as atheist and would make snide comments or judgments of spiritual people (rude, but that was obviously my own insecurity).

I used to significantly undervalue my worth and would people please or bend my values to satisfy others.

I used to hide my severe insecurity by drinking heavily and putting on a façade of confidence.

I used to ask others for advice allll the time, for everything, like outfits, relationships, basic opinions.

The thing is I think everyone around me thought I was fine, doing well honestly! And I was! I was living my life, having a good time, but there was always something nagging at me. Like an undercurrent of “is this it? Is this the whole point of life? I feel like there should be more, I want more?”

When I first opened myself up to spirituality a shift occurred within me. I craved more, I wanted to learn, to grow, to experience it all! And I’ve been on that path for a while now. I never really felt called to share too much about it until recently. I never “felt called” before because I was still judging myself for who I’ve become. The old me was still snickering at my spirituality, second guessing my own intuition, and judging me for the way I looked, spoke, or acted.

I’ve employed a lot of different practices to overcome that self judgement. One of the most transformational was working with my coach Manal. She helped me work through something that was bothering me deeply - how I felt that I couldn’t be my authentic spiritual self at work. We talked about how I would sometimes feel that I am two different people. The first version of me appears secure and confident, has a scientific job, always remains practical and logical, and keeps my spirituality a secret. The other me is mystical, deeply spiritual, and is very different from everyone around me, and is growing and evolving through a connection to the universe. She asked me “what if you gave yourself permission to be spiritual at work?” Also, “do you have to be spiritual at work?” The answers were interesting. First I can be spiritual at work, I see new life and the end of life every day, that can be pretty damn spiritual! Also, who do I need permission from to be my authentic self? My coworkers, my family, my friends? No, (hello!) me, I only need permission from myself!

This is the lightbulb moment. Whyyyyy did I even feel like I needed to hide my spirituality from those I work with? Because I was afraid they would judge me, before I even gave them the chance to. Why would I be afraid of that? Because I am judging myself! My thoughts were who am I to be a “normal” millennial party girl and then turn in to some spiritual mystical facilitator? Wasn’t I just laughing at spiritual people, drinking a lot, and faking my confidence, who do I think I am to change so drastically? I hadn’t given myself permission to change, to transform, to evolve. I realized that entire thought process doesn’t serve me at all. I realized we are supposed to change, change for the better is good!

I used to care so much about what people who knew the “old me” would think about the “new me.” But the thing is, old or new, it’s the same, I’m still me, still Jacey. It is easy to get wrapped up in wondering if others like me for who I am becoming, but honestly, I’m starting to care less and less about that, because I like me! I like who I’m becoming! The people I surround myself with like who I am and who I am growing into. I realized that I can’t care what other people think about me, my journey, or how I got here. I’m happy, I’m loving the process, even the hard parts, and that is all that matters!

My new thought is that I belong only to myself and the universe. I definitely do not belong to anyone outside of me, or to my limiting thoughts of judgement surrounding change. Whatever judgments or expectations society or others around me have for my life is irrelevant if they are not in alignment with me or with my soul! When I release those self judgements and the expectations I had allowed others to place on me, I am able to live by my own code, I am able to truly belong to myself. When we give ourselves permission to be our authentic selves and to love ourselves first it is easier to release those expectations or judgements that come from others or from us. Now I’m living my most true and authentic life. I’m happy, genuinely! I LOVE who I’m becoming. I feel freedom,  joy, and gratitude all the time. I feel inspired by the universe and my connection to my spirit team. I feel deeply loved and supported by those I surround myself with and by the universe.

My wish is for everyone to live their most authentic life, whatever that looks like to you! And to release the expectations and judgements that are from others and from yourself that do not actually serve you. It takes time, reflection, and practice, but it does get easier.

If you can relate I’d love to hear from you. If this inspired you I’d love to hear from you. In summary, lets connect 😊.

Thank you to the people who have inspired me to write this, each one of these light beings shared and helped me process this over time: Manal @manicured_coaching, Jen @Jenlissocoaching, and Morgan @Clinical_spiritualist